Sometimes life gets so crazy that you just want to shave your head, stop wearing underwear in public and go to rehab.
Wait ... you didn't have those urges this year? Then you obviously didn't reside in Hollywood, where such shenanigans aren't considered antics, but a regular way of life. That's why we're glad we could only witness this year's hot Hollywood mess unfold from the safety of our own celeb-free homes.
Here are just a few reasons to thank the heavens above you're not famous:
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BRITNEY SPEARS -- THE FAT ELVIS YEARS: Actually, that's an unfair comparison -- to Elvis. All the King ever did was get fat and drugged up. Britney's exploits were so wild and distasteful even Michael Jackson would disapprove. A quick recap in the year of Britney: She shaved her head bald (then went out drinking and partying), went to rehab (then went out drinking and partying), got divorced from K-Fed (then went out drinking and partying), prepared for a comeback performance on the MTV Video Music Awards (by drinking and partying) -- and bombed in epic fashion (then went out drinking and partying). Finally, she lost physical custody of her kids -- and then went out drinking and partying. Despite all this, she did manage to put out an album that actually got critical acclaim. We're sure she'll drink to that -- actually, she already has.
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NOW THAT WHITNEY'S SOBER ...: Well, someone had to take over that jittery, substance-abusing pop star role. And despite all Brit's hard work to get the coveted spot, it was a natural for Amy Winehouse. The British retro-soul singer -- who made Hollywood's 2007 theme song, "Rehab" -- was photographed with a suspicious white powder lining her nostrils, walked the streets barefoot with only a bra and jeans, and got into an altercation with someone (maybe her husband, maybe not) that left her makeup smudged and her shoes bloody. She canceled tours because of "health concerns" and when she did perform in recent months, she made Britney look like Beyonce. Now we know what she's been hiding in that massive beehive hairdo.
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HOW LO CAN SHE GO? Let's just put it this way: The flashing of her firecrotch last year can now be considered part of the demure Lindsay Lohan era. She was arrested twice, got into two car accidents, went to rehab -- again, twice -- and did an 84-minute stint in jail. Among her most embarrassing episodes was getting caught with a packet of cocaine in her pants while going after the MOTHER of her former personal assistant in a wild car chase. Lohan claimed the drugs weren't hers and actually just belonged to a friend. Who knew she and Amy Winehouse were buddies?
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THIS KIND OF MAKES UP FOR O.J.: In the state that let Robert Blake, O.J. Simpson and Michael Jackson walk free, authorities finally got tough on a true menace to society -- Paris Hilton. The bimbo heiress was sentenced to 45 days for a probation violation involving an alcohol-related driving offense -- and that was cut to 23 before she even entered the clink. Her hysterics and a "medical condition" got her released after just four days, but public outcry led a judge to haul the distraught socialite back to jail to finish the remainder of her sentence. After she was released, a chastened Hilton promised to do more charity work, and promised to help Rwanda. Her good-will mission was postponed, however, perhaps when she found out that Rwanda was an impoverished nation in Africa, and not a poor girl in dire need of a makeover.
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FEUD OF THE YEAR: Rosie O'Donnell versus Donald Trump. And Elisabeth Hasselbeck. And Barbara Walters. And ... OK, let's just put Rosie vs. just about everybody -- she had more beefs going than 50 Cent. Unlike 50, though, O'Donnell actually did fade from the limelight after defeat: She quit "The View" earlier than scheduled when Hasselbeck took her down a notch during one of their regular catfights. Of course, losing a battle of wits with a lightweight like Hasselbeck would be enough to send anyone into exile.
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THE MICHAEL RICHARDS DIVERSITY AWARD: So much competition for this one! "Grey's Anatomy's" Isaiah Washington seemed to have it locked up for uttering the homophobic f-bomb, setting the stage for his dismissal from the hit show. Not to be outdone, the always politically incorrect Don Imus did him one better when he called Rutgers University women's basketball team "nappy headed hos" -- and subsequently lost both his radio and TV gigs (though he was back on the radio by the end of the year). Still, the white hood goes to Duane "Dog" Chapman, the reality show bounty hunter whose own son taped him delivering the N-word with gusto during a phone conversation. He claimed he was just trying to be black (he apparently didn't know the safer option -- watching a Tyler Perry movie).
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THE BABY IS ALREADY ON A DIET: Nicole Richie, Hollywood's poster child for eating disorders, announced that she was pregnant with the spawn of Good Charlotte's Joel Madden. In preparation for motherhood, Richie did actually gain a few pounds, curtailed her partying -- and did an 82-minute stint in jail for driving under the influence of drugs. Maybe she was just trying to give her child a preview of the celebrity life.
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R.I.P. -- WE THINK NOT: Last year's "Trainwreck of the Year," Anna Nicole Smith, showed us we were a little too accurate by dying of a drug overdose in 2007 (note we were merciful in not naming one this year). After her untimely death, it seemed as if the Smith sideshow was over. But it had only just begun! There was the Larry Birkhead-Howard Stern paternity battle over her infant daughter Dannielynn, Virgie Arthur's attempt to get custody of her grandaughter, and the weekslong battle over where Anna Nicole would be buried as her body decomposed. If you had to deal with that drama every day, you'd check out early too.
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FATHER KNOWS BEST: The best insults, that is, if we're discussing Alec Baldwin. In a phone message to his 11-year-old daughter that was leaked to the media, the actor is heard calling her a "rude, thoughtless little pig" in a verbal tirade for missing a scheduled phone call from dear old dad. An apologetic Baldwin later claimed he didn't mean to direct those comments at his child -- he thought he was talking to a customer service rep based in India.
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KID ROCK VS. TOMMY LEE: The pimp-slap heard 'round the world was delivered on Tommy Lee by Kid Rock at -- where else? -- the MTV Video Music Awards. As Alicia Keys warbled on stage, Rock and Lee tussled, and Lee ended up getting tossed from the show. Everyone thought they were fighting over their mutual ex, Pamela Anderson, but they were really fighting over her visitation rights to her implants.
